Feelings... nothing more than feelings

I am a very emotional person. This is different than being a feeler, as I've demonstrated two posts ago, but I'm sure it's still in some way related to my brain type. I dunno. It seems like the older I've gotten, the easier it has been to let these emotions out. While adolescence certainly plays a big part in that, it seems more like the catalyst than the constant cause.

Whoa, alliteration. That was actually an accident.

What I mean to say is that while my emotional side certainly came out during adolescence, it looks as if it's going to stay with me for a while. This is probably a shortsighted point of view, but as we know I usually make decisions based on how I feel. And this is how I feel:

That I am emotional. Not emo, just emotional.

That I often make decisions when I am still entrenched in emotions and this often results in poor choices.

That events like Nationals, in which I am taken out of my real life and placed among a tightly-knit group of friends in a unique environment, can be devastating when it ends.

Anyone who was with me last week in SC can probably relate to that last statement. This is admittedly true. But I have noticed that different people deal with it differently. Personally, I cried myself to sleep the night of the afterparty. When I didn't break, that was okay. When my competition was over, I just focused on spending as much time with my friends as I could. The last day of the tournament, I told myself that I'd be a coach again next year and go to plenty of tournaments.

I was fine until about midnight that night. Then my heart began to sink lower and lower until I actually became physically affected. I had to sit down and couldn't talk very much. I smiled a little at people and tried to listen as my friends talked about crazy plans for the new debate resolutions, but I couldn't sense anything other than the overwhelming emotion of the moment.

I went back to my hotel room that night with the same feeling pushing on my chest. I felt a little sick. Jake was a huge pal, he kept my spirits up as well as anyone could. He brought me out of my sadness just enough to keep me alive on the car ride back to our hotel. Jake, I know you won the credit for this blog post already in a game of poker, but you deserve it. Thank you for being a friend and warming my soul. I don't know if I would have made it alone.

Before going to bed I read a post by a friend of mine about his experience with NCFCA, and here's the thing: It wouldn't have affected me in the same way if I hadn't read it right then. See, my emotions can cause me to make bad choices at times, but I believe God also uses them to enhance my perception of His truth. This power can be abused by people who manipulate the emotions of others to cause them to agree with them, but it is also a powerful force for good, and I think we often overlook that fact. If I hadn't read that, I can't vouch for how I'd be right now. Currently, I am enjoying the life I've been placed in and have been taking advantage of all opportunities handed to me. I am loving people, although my mom would prefer if I went to bed right now, so if I'm going to be consistent I should probably wrap this up.

The other thing that has helped me has been distraction. Emotions are powerful things, and if we choose to wallow in them for unhealthy periods of time, they can prevent us from being who God wants us to be. I got back from my trip and was immediately thrust back into everyday life. This may not sound like a good thing, but for me it was.

This is what I often dread about coming back from Nats - the abrupt reentrance into an old, now unfamiliar, almost alien world. On the ride back to meet up with my mom in Rhode Island, I had difficulty remembering where I lived. I kept picturing my old house in the woods. I was worried that I would experience the transition the way I had in previous years: Disillusionment at the unamazing makeup of real, ordinary routine. I usually suffer from "speech withdrawl," a condition in which I usually withdraw from speaking as a result of withdrawing from speech.

However, this year I had one day. One day in which to feel depressed about being ripped away from my life in South Carolina and retreat into a hole. I spent that day planning the things I did today. Today I went to the first rehearsal for Godspell, which was my first musical. The same cast that originally did it two years ago has gotten back together, and this time we can sing! It's a reunion with some new faces, and I saw some people tonight that I hadn't seen in a long time.

Thank you, God, for that. I'm sure it would have been character-building for me to retreat into that hole of depression and rely on You to pull me out, but I know that You don't want me to be that way. You have bigger and better plans for me than that, and I am ready. Let's do it.